Complexities

Disaster (n) - According to the Dictionary of Nikhil Paul - An atomic bomb waiting to explode; Nuclear fusion; TNT; a unit of Hitler. 

Usage - He has had a disastrous life. He is pissed.  

Life is beautiful, life is good, life is wonderful ... total crap; utter bs. Yeah, today I admit, I accept, my life is a failure. An utter failure. I could try to keep it happy, but some thing or the other just kills it. I would like to mention that there are a few factors that take away my state of equilibrium. 

1. External factors - People. Yes, this is one attribute that could lead to disaster. They can take you from a crest to a freaking depressive low. They can push things to the limit. It is sickening to see that I am in an industry where 'sucking of cock' is mandatory. Once upon a time, I loved selling stuff. I loved being creative, I loved talking to people, I loved meeting them, I loved having a beer on a saturday with people I hung out with. I loved being myself. Time changes the best. It pushes people to the brink of insanity. It makes you mad! And to be honest, I'm on the brink of the brink of insanity. One step and I will loose it. I can't believe this is what happened to me! A happy child, a happy go lucky teen, a happy pilot, a happy marketer but a ridiculously angry post graduate student. Where did that happiness go? I can attribute the success of me being angry to people. Friends, ex girlfriends, teachers, sadistic homosexual whores, yes all of you. You were right; I was wrong. There was nothing wrong with you. I will admit today, with this blog, right now that all my bloody life, I was wrong. I have been a skillful master of deception, a disciple of satan, a religo - phobe, a friend of Lucifer. 

2. Internal Dysfunction - To some, mentally delinquent to the more considerate, a bloody retard, a psycho, señor slow. This, you can't blame people. I will be considerate to blame and re iterate that frustration, don't bother to ask me what has lead me to internal dysfunction. It's a shitty feeling one doesn't want to go through. One minute you're at a high, the second, you just want to kill yourself. Bleh, I wish I could do the second, but I think I rate myself a little higher on the scale. Suicidal tendencies do arrive once in a while, but then the better (I thank myself for keeping an ounce of sanity)  takes over as soon as the condition arrives. Internal dysfunction should however be kept hidden. Hidden from the sight of the public. Many people find that extremely hard to do. I was successful for a while. However, the problem with me was that I couldn't hold it any more. The bucket couldn't take it anymore. I had to spill the beans. I can't stop anymore.

Splitting your head open is the only solution. I wish that I could just split my skull open for once and just try understanding my brain. See if there is any tumor that I could take out and get it over with once and for all! If given the opportunity, I would like to give my brain as a specimen for study. 

I would suggest that the people who refrain to understand me or wouldn't wish to, take exhibit a and just see how complex and difficult it is. Even after that, if you wish not to, I wish you the best of luck because all you're going to get from me is a bunch of low caste, uncouth love that would define my sense of inhumanity.

There are thoughts that I have schizophrenically added in to your complex. Just like how broken this blog is, I am going to break it down even further. I am not going to conclude. I am not going to change. I am not going to stop being mad. I am not going to stop being complex. All I want to stop is the madness.